rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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