My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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