You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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