Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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