he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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