I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
