I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she peed on how many people?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize