you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
