Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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