I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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