I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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