I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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