The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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