Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
