Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
