It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
