mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize