my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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