Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
