when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
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