I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
