well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
