i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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