All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
