So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
