perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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