I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
