If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
