I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
