My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
