i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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