oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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