he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
