Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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