I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
