i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
