I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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