I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
