So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
All I want is dick and wine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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