I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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