I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
