im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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