you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
