I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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