I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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