I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
