I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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