She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
