Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
