You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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