yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
