U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
