I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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