i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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