can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
