Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
