I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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