He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
