my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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