Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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