Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
