hotel room ftw
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize