from now on my penis is your penis
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
