weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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