Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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