This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
