And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
