Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
