What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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