I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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