Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
