It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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